This is a hard topic for me to write about for a number of reasons.
First, I have a 17-year-old daughter heading off to college next year. I’m a dad who doesn’t even want to comprehend the dangers my daughter will have to worry about day in and day out when she leaves our home next fall.
Second, I feel so much anger and sadness for this young woman who was treated so inhumanely by young men her age—young men who had the power to be protectors and instead became senseless predators and abusers.
Third, I have a 13-year-old son who is kind, sweet and empathetic to all living things, but especially to girls and women because we raised him to be someone who makes women feel safe and respected. I can’t imagine him ever being in a position like so many of these young men were in and doing NOTHING to protect someone he had the power to protect.
Finally, as a man, I find it difficult to be another male throwing his opinion out there about a topic that makes me ashamed to be part of the same species, let alone the same gender, as those who committed these heinous and unthinkable crimes.
The last thing women need, in my opinion, is another man speaking for them, so I apologize if that is how I am presenting myself. It’s not my intention.
If anything, I want to be part of the wall of safety behind them so they can have their day in court and so I can be part of the solution to bring an end to the fear and loneliness so many women feel—whether they are victims themselves or simply want to be a voice for change.
Violence. Power. Masculinity. Intimidation.
Those words and ideas were such a big part of my youth as an athlete.
We had to be tougher. We had to be meaner. We were instructed to “go to war” when we stepped on the court.
I don’t like the imagery of me with a bat in my hands and the desire I have to bash the heads in of those who have been part of these atrocities. I don’t like that my brain hears stories like this and immediately wants to match senseless violence with more senseless violence.
I don’t have many answers and that frustrates me and makes me feel disappointed in myself. I wish I had better answers. I wish I understood how any human being could treat another human being this way.
And I’ll save some of my anger and complete disappointment for the leaders and educators who have known for decades that these kinds of atrocities were happening and still failed to do enough to stop them. At some point, knowing and doing nothing—or not doing nearly enough—becomes its own kind of failure. We can’t keep acting shocked every time another horrific story comes to light when people in positions of leadership have known for years that the problem exists.
I just know that my wife and I have raised a daughter to be aware of her surroundings—to have her senses and intuition dialed in, to know when to remove herself from a situation and to never be afraid to fight like hell to protect herself and others.
And I know we have raised a son to understand that we never hurt girls. We look out for them. We have their backs at all times. There is NO situation where that is in doubt.
If my son were ever even a passive contributor to something like this, I would expect him—and me—to be in cuffs and in the back of a police cruiser.
Not only should he be held accountable for his actions or inactions, but I should be held to a standard as the parent responsible for teaching him the right way to live and the right way to treat others.
If I’m not modeling those ideals, then I have failed him, and honestly, I’ve failed our community and society.
I’d like to believe all men think this way and all fathers model those ideals, but I know you’d have oceanfront property to sell me in Arizona if I were that naive.
So I’ll leave you with the two tools I will continue to use to try to be part of the solution.
1. I will teach.
As a parent, teacher, coach and mentor, I will continue to educate the young people in my life about what being a good human being—and a good man—actually looks and acts like.
Not just when it’s easy. Not just when everyone is watching. But when someone needs you to stand up, step in and protect them.
2. I will vote.
I will continue to use my vote to put individuals of the utmost integrity, especially women, into political office and to support as many women as I possibly can who are willing to fight the good fight.
And I will always, always have the backs of those fighting that fight.
Because I intend to be right there, fighting beside them.
