“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” ― James Baldwin
One of the hardest things for a coach to understand is what will make a parent happy.
At the beginning of the season, we might say, “I just want my child to have fun, get better, and have a good experience.”
Then the games begin.
Our child doesn’t start. A teammate gets more minutes. The team loses. The coach challenges our child, changes their position, or gives someone else an opportunity.
Suddenly, what would make us happy looks different.
And I’m saying “us” because I’m a dad, too.
Playing time, expectations, friendships, injuries, wins, losses, and conversations on the ride home can all affect how we feel. Even another parent’s opinion can change how we interpret something we were comfortable with a week earlier.
How can a coach understand our expectations if we haven’t clearly defined them ourselves?
Before your child’s next season begins, I want you to answer one question:
At the end of this season, what would make you happy about your child’s overall experience and how their coach treated them?
Write it down. Save it somewhere you can find when emotions rise.
Then ask your child the same question. Are you describing the season they want or the season you want for them? Those answers may be very different.
If your child wants friendships, improvement, and a sense of belonging, but your happiness requires a starting spot and postseason honors, that’s worth discussing before the first practice.
Be specific about the coach, too.
“I want my child treated well” is a reasonable expectation. But what does that mean?
For me, it means a coach who learns about my child, communicates honestly, teaches patiently, and treats them with dignity. It also means a coach who challenges them and explains how they can improve.
Care and accountability can work together. A difficult conversation or an earned consequence doesn’t automatically mean our child was treated poorly.
I’ve made mistakes here as a coach. I’ve repeated things I experienced growing up without fully understanding their impact. I have to own that and keep learning.
Parents deserve clear communication. Coaches need to keep communicating as roles and circumstances change. Writing down expectations gives everyone a better place to begin.
When a frustrating night comes, return to your answer.
Has something meaningful changed? Is your child being mistreated? Or has disappointment about playing time temporarily pushed your original priorities aside?
Those questions deserve different responses.
And examine your role. Are you providing steady support, or does your child have to manage your disappointment alongside their own?
At season’s end, picture the person coming home.
Are they more confident? More connected? Better at communicating? Can they recover from mistakes, support teammates, and keep working when things get hard?
Would that make you happy, even if the team finished last?
A good experience can include hard days. Defining what matters before those days arrive can help us recognize the growth we hoped for all along.
Let’s Make the Experience Better
Whether you’re an athlete preparing for college, a parent supporting your child, or a coach working to build a stronger team, you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
Visit coachmattrogers.com to explore my recruiting playbook and journals, podcast conversations, and practical coaching resources—or connect with me for guidance. Together, we can clarify expectations, strengthen relationships, and make the sports experience happier, healthier, and more fulfilling.
